lovelier now but dressed for a funeral

I can't believe I am going to do this. But I am going to start watching Naruto. Never thought i would. It was one anime where I did not want to watch despise the mass following.

Anyhow, went to HEARTBEAT last night. It was good I was good driver girl so I got to talk to drunkards and drugheads but that was fun I actually had an alright time. Although some seedy fucker strangely bit my arm. I was just like "urr... WOW that guy has a lot of courage dancing like that" And I just got up and walked away. Also a girl who I don't like being around was there as well but I have had enough of trying to forcefully be nice to her when she constantly is rude to me. I just got up and chatted with other people to avoid that situation. She kept trying to catch my eye though and she continually tried to smile at me, it was making me very anxious. So I left at around 12.30 taking home two very completely not sober heads I was glad to be home once dropping them off my bed felt amazing! I did not want to get out this morning. Not. At. All.

So at work we made over 2k which is kick ass so I'm really proud at my sale skills, very impressive to say at the least!! Dad came in for a bit to say hello too which was very sweet he bought me a drink which was super good timing, 'cause I was dying of thirst. So come time to leave I had this text message on my phone which was from the girl that was making me anxious from the previous night. In this message she rattles on about how sorry she is for treating me pretty terribly which was sweet.. hours passed and I decided to respond. I think now we are at a mutual respect for each other. We wont go out of our ways to speak to each other but we will be respectful and polite if we ever run in to each other, and that's the way I like it.

Well, here comes another working week.

Better days

p.s I miss my non broken iPhone and The Hug1 gellaskin

gettin' fed up now got no time, no money, that's why get em' up, put em' up get your dukes up, now

Last night I kept waking up. My mind isn't straight I'm back at a place I didn't want to be at. I started work at 2PM when I was meant to start at 12PM it's okay I got it sorted and my manager understood. She was glad I rang up and told her first so that's great she was so understanding. Tomorrow I am going to tell my hairdressing job to jam it. In nicer terms. It's just not me, and I can't keep trying when it just is not meant to be, or the timing is just ridiculously bad. I need to eventually find a full time job so I can get finance from a bank to pay off these fuckers (nrma) I'm hoping something at my parents work once work picks up there. I can hopefully do the graveyard shift work four nights a week and get three off. But nothing comes easily.

I'm starting to shut people out. I just don't want to talk seriously about things. I'm finding it to be easier to not say anything at all really. I know some people are getting shitty at me but there isn't a lot I can do.

I want to go back. But I wouldn't know when because I can't really say when the world was most happiest.

I want to be three-five again when times were simple and mess was fun.
Now mess makes me feel really cramped and paranoid.

Hazy days

That depends upon the demons that you're stuck with

What a fucked up few days.

Yesterday Thursday. I rang Dad I was in a pretty chip mood. I was telling dad how I was going to go talk to one of my boss' about comming on full time. Dedicate myself to one job. Relax on a few days off. Kick it a bit. Then he drops the bomb of "We are going to take Humphery to get put down now.. You weren't meant to know until you got home.. I'm sorry" Now, I have had Humphery since I was born. This cat was 19 years old in human years. So he was way past his expiery date. But it hit me hard. I really don't know how I am meant to feel or act upon this. I have just been in limbo with my thoughts, really all over the place. I havn't really spoken to anyone about anything. I don't really want to.

So, I wake up this morning. To an email ( In the beginning of 2009 I was in a four car pile up crash now because I am the last in the car in the crash they are all claiming against me)(For the past year I have been fighting this because it was not my fault)( Anyhow I while ago I just thought fuck it it's NRMA they wont budge no matter what I will have to pay for this shit so I said I can't afford to pay for it even if I wanted to. Which is true I work three part time jobs seven days a week and this pays for everything I need to pay for with barely anything left over. So they put in a financial difficult thing) An email which said I get declined for the financial difficulty in paying. So they think I can afford to pay YAY. So Fucked. In total they expect me to pay 14k. Cool bananas I wonder what payment plan will be organised.

I need to quit my three jobs. Forget about my hairdressing apprenticeship and find a full time job. Something reliable just until I am on top of these fucking payments. No Matter how long it takes I will get ahead.

This is the shit I have to think about everyday.

Curiouser And Curiouser

Today work.
Got home Dad told me that my cat that I have had since birth. Yes that is rite my cat named Humphery B Bear is 19 in human years. Who knows how old that is in cat years? A bazillion years old? Yes. Well Dad tells me that this Saturday coming he is going to the vet to be put down.

#&%$&%$&^ wtf? Seriously?

I went to go see Alice in Wonderland again with a mate sucked second time round but I got Oreo ice cream. I liked seeing my friend again because I don't talk about anything serious with him it's all crap really very surreal don't talk about anything that has happened or what will happen just everyday shit. It's nice not to have in depth talks all the time. Paul always has interesting stories to tell it makes me really wonder what I do every day.. I have no stories to tell. He got stuck in the bush stoned as anything and had to call NRMA to come save him because his car broke down. The story is way more epic than that.. But I can't retell it because it's not mine to tell.

I work with the manager tomorrow so I better get to bed.

Night

My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits. But still, I crave that sound

Didn't blog yesterday. Was not feeling well at all. I worked from 12PM - 6PM it was okay, actually no it was good because we were really busy and I got a work allowance so I got some new things from work. Wew. I went home and showered then my good buddy Kosta who I have been the closest friends with since I was thirteen.. twelve? Well he is probably the person in my life (besides my family) who I am still in contact with that I have known the longest. We have grown together and well we are close on a level that isn't friends but genuine family. ANYWAY he rang and said that he was picking me up to go to a mates house for what was meant to be a bbq but fell through. So he got to my house and as usual I wasn't ready. I am never ready. I am never on time. So we chatted for a bit then when I was ready we were out the door. We went to go pick up Kosta's girlfriend (just saying I don't really like the terms "girlfriend" "boyfriend" it's very.. neh I dunno) Lets try again, we left to go pick up Kosta's partner? Yeah. So we got to this "bbq" everyone was just playing games which I was totally chill with, I was actually really happy just to have a quiet night. Kosta and I had spoken before and the plan was to drink beer that we bought. But I had one and couldn't even finish it. Normally I am a pretty decent drinker of the beer. But because of medical precautions my body flipped out and did not want to have anymore of it. I had weird feelings all round, was not nice at all.
Anyhow I fell asleep and then I woke up to Kosta and Jordan (Kostas girly girl) looking down at me which was totally unexpected but it was really cute haha I still fealt un-easy so I kind of insisted in wanting to go home.

I got home and made a sandwhich it was delicious. Made tea sent drunk/seedy kosta home and went to bed. 2PM not bad for a quiet night of games.

Today I had work surprise. But yet again was working by myself. It got to about an hour left of my shift and I really needed to urinate so I thought "fuck it" I closed down the shop completley counted all the monies did everything except "end shift" on the the computers. I went to the bathroom then sat on a bench for an hour reading my book. Come the end of my working day I walked over ended shift on the computers and felt so good! I can be the biggest brat sometimes.

When I got home from work I saw a little gift in my room. I opened it and it was a little fairy pixie thing holding a little gem thing. On the card it said "I am a fairy that brings you happiness and self confidence" I wish it was that easy.
It was a gift from Nan it made me cry and I don't evem know why. I still havn't rang her to thank her for thinking of me. But I am not really sure on what to say. As I said I wish things were that easy.

Mom and I completly cleaned my roomed tonight it feels so good to be in a clutter free mess. I wish my mind was this sorted.

I am in the dirties mood rite now and I am sure the only thing that will fix it will be sleep.

Hopefully better things will come tomorrow

Here comes that feeling you thought you had forgotten

What a day. I swear the manager of one of my jobs hates me. It's really not my fault either. I can't help getting sick. I can't help it if he could not give me enough hours so I had to go find another job I can't help it if they will keep me on casual. I call up sick when I want! Not really .. it's kinda rare that I dodge work. I have a crazy big conscience. Any who. So today I rock up 15minutes early like a good cupcake I am. (okay so by this time my hero of a manager has taken my keys off me because I never get to work on time anyways)(on time is apparently 15minutes early) Time goes by it is now five to nine.. I ring my co-worker who rarely works at this store he normally works at our other location. Turns out he was two minutes away but he does not have keys either. Lucky me I get to ring the manager. Turns out my fault that neither of us had keys and he had to come in on his day off he was so annoyed at me that he rang my co-worker when he got there to go out the front and get the keys so he didn't have to see me. I'm not going to lose sleep over this. But this job pays so good in comparison to the other ones that I don't really want to lose this job.. I'd rather lose the others. Downfall is it is monthly pay urgh.
so worked 9-5 (opened store at 10 Me 1 manager 0)

I had a shindig thing to go to remember guy in previous bloggymcbloggblogg well that guy had like a "drinks" gathering thing for his birthday at some little suburban club/bar. It was nice didn't really talk to him but I had nice small talk with others and that's nice for me. I don't normally chat with people I'm not too furmiliar with. Mm, well anywho it was time to leave as most of them were heading to the city to paint the town red, as we were saying our goodbyes he gave me a great big hug and it really struck home. In a bad way. It was painful and I didn't like it at all it was so uncomfortable and just yuck and very forced on my behalf. I think.. he got that I was very uncomfortable moments later he sent me a text saying that he was very envolved with another girl. I told him as long as he's happy than I wish him all the best. I think he was a bit weirded out. I don't know maybe I am looking into this too much.

I just ate toast. It was amazing. I am pretty sure toast is rite up there with my favorite eats. My all time favorite topping on toast is vegemite and avacado. Don't mock it till you have tried it!

baha, how crazy is that picture? I took it while I was at an aquarium it is the bottom side of a shovel nosed shark. Cool huh?
Well it is tea and bikkie time. (bed time)
Work tomorrow but a bit of a sleep in.

Home on the hill

Well, I have been so happy today and it is really bizarre.
If you knew me you would be quite blown away. Now I am not saying that I am a major buzz kill. But I do get discouraged quite easily it does not take much to knock me down. I did a lot of retail therapy today though my OH my. Future Sarah-Loo will be very upset and stressed out because of this but .. We will sort that out when we get to that. I worked from 12- 6 then I went into the city with a very good friend of mine. I dragged him all over the place looking for a beanie we spent a good two hours looking for a beanie. In this time I bought, two rings a Frankenstein shirt and a bag. These said items are AMAZING. I also bought a beanie in the end it was the last thing! It's a good strong beanie too.

I am now home thinking I should sort out my money situation but I don't really want to fuck my mood up at the moment. But it is the responsible thing to do so I don't do any more splurges which I shouldn't do for the rest of the month. My oh my..
Tomorrow night is a .. would not really know how to say a friends? birthday get together thing. Now I am a bit of a fruit bag but I am really awkward around people . I just don't know how to be around people. But this particular person I feel, he acts so superior to everybody else and it makes me really self conscious. Mind you I used to date this said "friend" I am 100% over him the only thing I regret is that we are in no way possible close anymore which is for the better but we did do most of our "growing up" and "maturing" together. We dated for lets say.. Five years. Yep we started from quite the ripe tender age of thirteen/fourteen. And it ended a bit messy. But if you have regrets you can't move on. Right? Right.

Stop. Don't forget. Remember. Learn. Move on.

As Mad As A Hatter

Blogging,

I was more thinking of starting a video blog and jump on the whole vlogging thing but maybe I will upload videos here every now and then, when I don't feel like typing what my head is trying to communicate.

These blogs will not be in any order..
It will be my mind vomited into words.
So, it probably wont make sense most of the time. But don't worry because I don't

Biggest lie. I worry all the time. I worry so much about things. ie. Today when I was walking through the mall I got conscious about the way I was walking and then I kind of.. Forgot how to walk. I then tripped there was no fall thank goodness.

This is one of the genious things you will learn about me